Sabbath Devotional :: What Distances Me from Christ and How I Find Him Again

I asked Otter AI to create an abstract and outline of this devotional, which was first drafted as a voice memo while on the treadmill (I do my very best thinking while I am walking!). I was pretty pleased with how that outline turned out, so I am including the summary up top, the full devotional next, and the outline at the end. Read one or read them all! Either way, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Abstract:
The speaker reflects on personal barriers to a deeper relationship with Christ, categorizing them into three: the idol of sinlessness, the screen of shame, and an overblown sense of competence. She shares experiences of striving for perfection, feeling shame after slipping up, and the burden of trying to fix the world alone. The speaker emphasizes the importance of repentance, remembering, and maintaining proximity to those affected by systemic issues to stay connected to Christ. She invites others to consider their own barriers and practices for overcoming them, highlighting the need for balance and humility in their faith journey.

Full Devotional

I would love for you to consider this devotional as an invitation for us to collectively consider what it looks like when we invite Christ into our lives in a more meaningful way. For me, this looks like acknowledging my personal barriers to a close relationship with Him and then identifying ways to overcome them.

The Idol of Sinlessness

My first barrier to a close relationship with Christ is falling into the trap of treating sinlessness like an idol. I can remember a particular time when I was truly feasting daily on the scriptures, taking the time to really dive deep into the words of the Book of Mormon in particular. I was also attending the temple almost every week. In other words, I was doing precisely the things that should make me a more righteous person.

But was I becoming a better person? I had my doubts, especially after a particularly tough interaction with someone I deeply loved. I walked away realizing that I did not treat them very well. I remember thinking that in spite of doing so many things “correctly”, I just wasn’t living up to my covenants to love one another. I have since come to the conclusion that one of the challenges to trying to be good is that sometimes being good can be an obsession in and of itself and I miss the mark.

In this case I was trying so hard to be without sin and to do all the right things, that it had become an idol. I wasn’t really repenting during that time because I was doing the things I was “supposed to.” I wasn’t reaching out to Christ because I didn’t feel like I had to. Which meant that pride was at the center of my actions.

When I focus too much on trying to live without sin, it actually creates a barrier between me and Christ. It is better to focus on who I am becoming than what I am doing. Am I kinder, more loving, and more respectful of others? For a deeper understanding of this topic, I recommend Thomas McConkie’s book At-one-ment. He writes in chapter seven that “no law, no matter how scrupulously observed, can save us.”

The Screen of Shame (or a lack of Remembrance)
A second barrier to a close relationship to Christ is what I will call the “screen of shame.” This looks like wondering why Christ would want to hear from, talk with, or help me when I am not living up to His teachings. It is the lie that says I need to fix everything before I turn to Him. During those times I turn inward and become a bit self-obsessed. To me, sometimes shame looks like selfishness. I focus too much on myself, which leads me to avoid repentance.

An Obsession with Fixing Other People’s Problems

I have found that a healthy desire to help fix other people’s problems can create distance from Christ when it veers into an obsession. I have found this to be particularly true for myself as I carry the heavy burden of being one of MWEG’s leaders. I’ve had moments where I could almost feel the physical weight as I’ve read our members’ comments in different discussion groups. I have felt the pain and difficulty that many of you carry at this time, especially those who have experienced discrimination or job loss. And then there are scores of Latter-day Saint women who work in global health and are currently facing an utter decimation of decades of incredible, life-saving work.

Having the heart of an advocate can be a burden, but it is made weightier when I try to fix things without turning to Christ. Taking on the weight of the world actually puts distance between me and Christ because I am not acknowledging that this is His job. I am certainly not advocating for us to hand it all over and walk away — clearly that is not what MWEG is about — but there has to be a balance. When I become obsessed with the pain and suffering and sorrow around me, those are the moments when I’m actually not letting Christ in.

Antidotes

I don’t want to leave you with a treatise about barriers to a relationship with Christ without offering some ways to chart a different path. If barriers are poisons, then these are some antidotes. They roughly correspond to my three points above, but I think you could use them across categories.

Remembrance of our Nothingness.

This could also be described as humility or a recognition that we are of the dust of the earth. I wrote earlier that when I treat sinlessness like an idol, it is generally rooted in pride. It’s a sense that I can work for my salvation. It’s the 16 year old girl in me who read Benjamin Franklin’s biography and learned of the grid he developed which listed personal virtues along with a plan to attain each of them. I got excited thinking that I had found the key to becoming a good person — a checklist, filled out through diligence, persistence, and force of will! I’m still a big fan of checklists and of habit building. They are an essential part of my personal self-improvement journey. But when the checklists become the focus rather than the state of my heart, my connection to Christ and my connection to others, things have gone a bit off the rails!

Practice Remembering
I’ve made it a practice to write down the experiences I’ve had of repentance in order to try and commit them to memory. I try to make it a daily exercise in the morning to think through the things that I could be improving upon but also remembering the ways that Christ has healed me in the past. It helps me shed off the shame, move forward, and reach out to Christ again. I regularly reflect back on a particular experience I had with repentance that was divinely healing. I had “returned” to the Lord with a contrite heart, unsure of how I would be met. I received instant inspiration, so concrete it almost felt like a reply to a text or phone call. The message was: “There you are. I’ve been waiting for you. I knew you would return.” It was like coming home and has made repentance a nourishing experience for me ever since.

Proximity to Suffering and Vulnerability.

This third antidote is crucially important for those of us who are working on complex systemic issues that impact those around the country and even the world. As I advocate, it can be really easy to do so without proximity to suffering. And in those cases, I weaken my connection with Christ because it is almost like I am trying to replace Him. It is a temptation for advocates to try and become saviors. But when I am in proximity, especially with in-person contact, with those who are impacted most deeply by unethical policy or by the cruel actions of others, I am likewise more connected to Christ.

When I am trusted with intimate interactions with those who are downtrodden and suffering, I can feel sadness and weight, but also be exposed to the strength of conviction and faith that comes from being in the places where Christ is welcomed. When I hear other’s stories, share mine, and we try to understand one another, I am better inoculated against self-importance and the prideful thinking that I can do it all myself. It opens up in me a vulnerability that makes me a better advocate and disciple.

I wanted to share this today as an invitation for you to consider. When things feel overwhelming (as they are for so many of us right now), what do you do to turn yourself towards Christ? What are the barriers that you find and how do you overcome them?

Footnote: Including a video of me playing a Bach Fugue (C Minor) is a great companion to this devotional for two reasons. First, it is an act of humility to put forth an imperfect performance to an audience. My time at the piano is highly limited these days and it shows! It is also felt like the right companion to a devotional about atonement because “Bach’s music points me to wholeness, a wholeness of body, mind, and spirit, which we seldom glimpse, but which we are intended to know.” (Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art)

Outline

Invitation to a Deeper Relationship with Christ

Speaker 1 introduces the topic as an invitation to consider inviting Christ into our lives in a more meaningful way.
Speaker 1 acknowledges the current struggles many are facing, including despair and anger, and relates it to the state of the world.
The speaker outlines three categories of barriers to a closer relationship with Christ: the idol of sinlessness, the screen of shame, and an overblown sense of competence.
Speaker 1 shares personal experiences to illustrate these barriers and how they have affected their journey towards becoming a more Christ-like person.

The Idol of Sinlessness

Speaker 1 describes a time when they felt they were checking all the right boxes, such as daily scripture reading and temple attendance, but still felt they were not becoming a better person.
The speaker recounts a moment of self-reflection where they realized they were not treating someone they loved well, despite doing all the right things.
Speaker 1 explains how focusing too much on being without sin can become an idol and create a barrier between them and Christ.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of focusing on relationships with Christ and others, rather than just checking off religious activities.

The Screen of Shame

Speaker 1 discusses the feeling of shame that can arise when one slips up and does not live up to their own expectations.
The speaker describes how shame can lead to a sense of selfishness and a focus on oneself rather than others.
Repentance and remembering the support of Heavenly Parents have been antidotes to the screen of shame for Speaker 1.
Speaker 1 shares personal experiences of receiving immediate support from Heavenly Parents when they turned back to them.

Competence and the Burden of Fixing the World

Speaker 1 talks about the barrier of feeling competent and able to handle things on their own, which can prevent them from turning to Christ.
Speaker 1 acknowledges the weight of responsibility and the challenges faced, especially in recent times.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of balancing the desire to help with the need to turn to Christ for guidance and support.

Antidotes and Practices for Overcoming Barriers

Speaker 1 offers antidotes that correspond to the three barriers discussed, providing practical advice for overcoming them.
The first antidote, “the remembrance of nothingness,” is about recognizing humility and the root of pride in the idol of sinlessness.
The second antidote involves regular journaling and remembering experiences of repentance to combat shame.
The third antidote emphasizes the importance of proximity to those most affected by systemic issues to maintain a connection with Christ.

Invitation to Reflect and Overcome Barriers

Speaker 1 invites the audience to reflect on their own barriers to turning towards Christ and how they overcome them.
The speaker acknowledges the overwhelming nature of the current times and validates the struggles people are facing.
The invitation encourages the audience to consider what they do to turn towards Christ and how they can overcome the barriers they face.
Speaker 1 concludes by emphasizing the importance of maintaining a connection with Christ despite the challenges and overwhelming circumstances.