Sabbath Devotional :: Concentric Circles and Self-Care
“… and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death…” (Mosiah 18: 8-9).
These are the covenants we make when we are baptized as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They can seem overwhelming, especially in this moment of much mourning and need of comfort in the world. I find it helpful to view my “stewardship” as concentric circles, or “circles with a common center.” There is potential for great joy in the outer circles, but when I spend too much time there at the expense of the middle circles, I am overwhelmed and sad. This is both a framework to evaluate my self-care habits and a guide to help me choose how to spend my precious time during this “probationary state.”
It is important to note up front that these are ideals I only achieve about half the time. But I have learned to be patient with myself. Over time, I find that I can rebalance and settle back into this framework with greater ease after periods of disruption.
God/Self
At the center circle is my relationship with God; it guides my love and care of self. Learning to love God with my whole self is intertwined with the process of understanding and loving that whole self. Jesus told a Pharisee lawyer that the first and great commandment was to love the Lord thy God “with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment” (Matthew 22: 36-38).
But what does it mean to love God with such completeness? It means that in order to give Him my entire heart, soul, and mind, I need to learn to love my own depths. And since He loved me first, I need to not just believe *in* Him, but also *believe* Him. When He whispers to me that my nature is divine and my potential great, I need to listen. By embracing the fullness of who I am, I honor His love in me. This, in turn, allows me to more fully love Him, thus following this first and great commandment.
Loving myself in order that I may have more of my heart to give to God is not a simple thing, nor is it a completely pleasant experience. More often than not, loving myself means facing the things I do not like within my soul, seeking guidance to change them, and then doing the hard work of transforming them into something more Godlike. The sublimity of God’s love is that it is not dependent on these actions. His love does not fluctuate with my goodness; it is steady and never changing. What changes is my own capacity for love in the process of drawing nearer to Him.
What does this look like for me on a daily/practical basis? It means getting up early and spending an hour in prayer, study, planning, self-evaluation, and meditation before jumping into the day. During that morning prayer, I ask for guidance as I plan my day so that I might know what to focus on. I ask Heavenly Father to magnify my efforts and to increase my capability to receive personal revelation. My self-care also includes a cat nap in the afternoon, a walk outside by myself each day, and personal prayer before bed. The evening prayer is usually the hardest part, as I fight exhaustion and sometimes discouragement as I evaluate my day. I use that time to ask for personal forgiveness as well as peace and comfort for those I have offended.
I find that when I keep up with those daily habits, I grow closer in my relationship with God, I receive answers to prayers, and I build a habit of accessing the Atonement of Jesus Christ on a daily basis. This is the ultimate self-care and helps prevent breakdowns due to extreme burnout. It forms the basis of my covenant keeping and care for all other circles.
Family
My relationship with my husband is my number one priority in this second circle. Over 18 years of marriage, we have each learned what the other needs in terms of care. I feel gratitude when he takes household and childcare work off my plate. Whether it is hanging out with the kids while I go for a walk or sending me to a hotel by myself over Mother’s Day, he gives me access to solitude and stillness as an act of love. What he craves from me is casual time together (just hanging out with no agenda); my full attention, undistracted by devices or even talk of family; and just being together while we talk, work, or walk.
As a family, the most important daily care habits we have are regular family meals and gathering for evening scripture and prayer. Those are the anchors that keep us connected and functioning. They bring a warmth to our home that binds us to each other and to our Heavenly Parents. But they are hard fought for, meaning they have required over a decade of stops and starts, failures, and recommitments in order to develop. I don’t know that every family will experience the opposition we have faced in cultivating these habits, but I can testify of the sweetness of watching the little red-headed boy who refused to open his scriptures for years be the first on his knees to pray.
Beyond the spiritual instruction and physical care of my children, I also work hard to make sure they have access to daily parental guidance and interaction. When they are younger, it is easier to structure those times of interaction, because the children are eager to be with me. As they turn into teenagers, I have found I need greater flexibility and a willingness to put things down and look up to chat when they are ready and willing (usually late at night)! But I have also learned it is OK to put boundaries around both the time and the nature of that parenting. If I am in the middle of an important work call or a focused brainstorming session, it is appropriate to give a quick hug and follow up later.
There have been times in my life when my focus mostly stopped at this circle. My home and children had needs I could just barely meet, and I did not feel I had the bandwidth to stretch beyond them. In retrospect, I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to serve in church callings or teach piano lessons during those times, as they forced me to look beyond myself and home.
Bridging Out from Self and Family
I find myself fitting very comfortably into these first two circles, especially right now with human contact limited and our traditional structures of school, church, and work communities disrupted. I suspect I am not alone. But perhaps this is an opportunity to be very prayerful and thoughtful about the needs of those around us. We will not necessarily see those needs in our daily rounds and conversations, so we need to rely upon the Lord to guide us to those in need. And as we involve our families in that work, we can actually strengthen our first two circles.
Local Community
We each have a very strong vested interest in our personal success and the success of our families. Stepping out into spaces where our interest is less clear helps us to develop the kinds of spiritual and emotional commitment to others exemplified by the Good Samaritan. In our local communities we can practice the lessons we have learned communing with God and developing our families.
This circle is probably currently best represented by my devotion to my piano students and my primary students at church. My work with those children feels like a very natural extension of my love of God and family and a deep expression of my commitment to motherhood. Habits of love and sacrifice developed from years of raising children are applied to other people’s children.
World
Right now I am spending a lot of time in this outer circle, but I draw the strength I need to do so from the inner circles. I devote energy to solving problems that seem far away and interacting with people who don’t live near me, all while caring deeply about things that don’t appear to affect me. And, while it is exhausting at times, it brings me such joy! It, too, feels like an extension of my love for my family and my desire to be a good mother. I am blessed to have goodly parents and a strong family support system. That drives a deep desire to care for other people’s families in the way that I have been cared for in mine.
It was only when I started mentoring refugee families that I began to think of civic engagement in this way. I realized I had voted and engaged my entire life based on what I thought was best for me and my family. I have found such satisfaction as I have shifted to think and act more holistically. I consider the needs of my Syrian friends and so many others as I vote, research, and do my MWEG work. Martin Luther King, Jr described it best: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”
Our Collective Strength
As I have been thinking and praying about MWEG’s members, volunteers, and leaders, it became very clear to me that you are feeling tired. Based on the comments and posts in the MWEG Facebook discussion group over the past week, I don’t think I am simply reflecting back my own exhaustion on you. But I truly believe the key to our collective strength will be drawing on the wells of our individual spiritual power, so I felt compelled to share with you this framework that helps me care for my spirit.
With regard to civic engagement and advocacy, it is easy to feel as though one has to either choose between doing everything or pulling back and ignoring it all. The nature of social media, especially Facebook, pushes this false dilemma. Let’s reject it in favor of a more nuanced view.
Take care of your individual spiritual health first and foremost, building a relationship with a loving and compassionate God. Pray for daily inspiration to know which circles to spend your precious time in, but resist urges to close the circles just because they don’t appear to affect you and your family. Give freely, knowing you will be beautifully stretched, re-balancing as needed. This is the unseen and unsung part of salvation — the daily challenge to find our footing on the unstable path of mortality.
Pictured is a very lopsided set of circles I drew on a whiteboard to share with my family during a sacrament meeting last month.
Inspiration credit goes to MWEG board chair Stefanie Condie, who introduced some of these concepts to me in our strategic discussions about MWEG’s future.
Emma Petty Addams is the executive director for Mormon Women for Ethical Government.
