Sabbath Devotional :: Spiritual Gifts

spiritual gifts - Mormon Women for Ethical Government — .

For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God (Doctrine and Covenants 46:11).

Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit (1 Corinthians 12:4).

There are many people in my life who would tell you they have always had a testimony of the truthfulness of the restored Gospel. They have always believed or known the Church is true. They have never wrestled with overwhelming doubts or experienced a crisis of faith. This doesn’t mean they are blind followers or their testimonies aren’t valid. Rather, it indicates some of the beautiful spiritual gifts they have been blessed with.

My experience has been different. Although I have been an active and faithful member of the Church my entire life, I have spent much of that time wrestling, struggling, and grappling with questions and even some doubts. This does not mean my testimony is less valid or valuable than my loved ones who have not wrestled with doubts. It simply means we have all received different spiritual gifts, and we have a loving God who knows the unique experiences we need as individuals traveling on our journey of faith.

Many years ago, I was in the middle of what some would call a “faith crisis.” I had been feeling troubled for months. During that time, I continued to do the things I was supposed to do. I attended church each week. I served in my church calling. I studied the scriptures and prayed fervently. I was seeking answers but seemed unable to find them. To an outside observer, I probably looked like someone who had a solid testimony of the Gospel. But on the inside, I felt heavy weight and distress. I worried I was being a hypocrite by going to church each week, teaching the Gospel, and acting like everything was fine when I wasn’t really sure what was true or what I believed. More than anything, I wanted to do what was right and be true to God, but I also needed to be honest with myself and others. The fear that I was putting on an act and being dishonest was tormenting me.

One Sunday in sacrament meeting the weight of it all became unbearable. I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. As soon as sacrament meeting was over, I hurried home, where I shut myself in my room and got on my knees and literally cried to God. I told Him I had been seeking for so long, I was trying to do what was right, and I wanted to keep my covenants, but I couldn’t go on like this. Basically, I said something along the lines of: “If the church is true and you want me to stay, you need to let me know right now, because I can’t go on like this for one more day!”

In the following moments, I experienced one of the most powerful and clear answers to prayer I have ever received. As I was on my knees, sobbing, I was immediately overcome with a tangible feeling of peace and calm. I felt as if I had been encircled in comfort and warmth, like a distressed child who was being calmed and comforted in the arms of a loving parent. This calming influence was accompanied by these words, clear in my mind:

“It’s OK that you don’t know.”

In that moment, my perspective completely changed. I knew it really was OK that I didn’t know. I knew God was not displeased with me or disappointed in me because I was struggling and wrestling with questions and doubts. I understood that the Gospel is not an all-or-nothing deal where I need to either have all the answers or walk away from the Church.

The pressure of feeling like I needed to have answers was removed, and I made the choice to continue seeking with faith. I no longer worried that I was putting on an act or being hypocritical. I knew my heart was sincere. I knew God was OK with where I was. I knew it was OK for me to go to church just as I was — with questions, with uncertainties, and with my honest, open, seeking heart. I understood that the gospel is not only for those who have found truth, but for those who are seeking truth. Over time I received some answers, one little piece at a time. My faith was strengthened. My testimony of truth grew.

I still don’t have a perfect testimony. There are many things I don’t understand. There are still some things I struggle with. But I have found things that are solid for me, things I can hold onto. There are things I do understand. There are things I wholeheartedly believe. And there are even some things I can say I know.

I have often reflected on the valuable lessons I learned from this experience. In my desperate moment, when I was demanding that God tell me if the Church was true and if He wanted me to stay, he certainly could have answered those questions for me. He could have told me about the truthfulness of the Gospel. He could have told me I should stay. But he didn’t. Instead, he encircled me with love and told me it was OK that I didn’t know. And because of that, I learned some important truths.

I learned it is OK to wrestle with questions and doubts. It is OK to not have the answers. It is OK to not know.

I learned God loves me right now, in this moment — in every moment — wherever I am, whatever I am struggling with.

I learned God is not on the same timeline that I place myself on, and sometimes the things I believe are urgent needs are not so urgent after all.

I also learned an important pattern to remember when people around me are struggling with their faith or are in a different place than I am: Accept them as they are, wherever they are. Embrace them. Comfort them. Love them. I should be less concerned with the state of their testimony and more concerned with genuinely loving them — just as they are in that moment.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but I have since learned that my seeking heart, full of questions and longing for truth, is not a weakness I need to overcome. It is one of my spiritual gifts.

I can honestly say I am deeply grateful for the struggling and wrestling I have experienced. It has helped my faith become more deeply rooted. It has broadened my perspective. It has helped me develop more empathy for others. It has cultivated and increased my spiritual gifts. Others will have different experiences, and that is just as it should be. We each have unique spiritual gifts. We will each have unique sacred experiences. But we are all beloved children of Heavenly Parents who love us just as we are.